i dream of a space where my name will just be my name

 

my name is neciferia

neh·see·fehr-ree·uh

 

and when people tell me

          your name is so beautiful 

          i’ve never heard that name before

          what does it mean

 

i get mixed feelings

 

and it’s not that their comments bother me

or make me uncomfortable in any way

in fact,

i like that my name invokes

the desire

to

know more

 

but after ten seconds of joy

i begin to feel dishonest

as if i’m some sort of imposter

tricking and deceiving people into acknowledging such a fallacy

 

sometimes it feels more accurate to say that neciferia is my name 75 percent of the time

since it’s been

my preferred name as of july of 2020

&

my legal name as of april 2022

 

so then i ask myself

what else can i say when i introduce myself,

that would outweigh the fleeting feeling of authenticity?

what is most accurate? most factual? most true?  

 

that leaves me to ask: what is in a name?

my answer:

nothing

it’s a word chosen and given to us by our parents,

whether we identify ourselves with it or not, is up to us to decide

but,

it’s really not that important or all-encompassing

 

so when i say i long for a time where my name will just be my name,

i mean,

i just don’t want to feel guilty for changing mine

i mean,

i no longer want to give my name the task (and sole power) of identifying me

 

giving such a big task to nine letters, sort of sets my name up for failure,

no?