a name’s task

a name’s task


i dream of a space where my name will just be my name


my name is neciferia



and when people tell me

          your name is so beautiful 

          i’ve never heard that name before

          what does it mean


i get mixed feelings


and it’s not that their comments bother me

or make me uncomfortable in any way

in fact,

i like that my name invokes

the desire


know more


but after ten seconds of joy

i begin to feel dishonest

as if i’m some sort of imposter

tricking and deceiving people into acknowledging such a fallacy


sometimes it feels more accurate to say that neciferia is my name 75 percent of the time

since it’s been

my preferred name as of july of 2020


my legal name as of april 2022


so then i ask myself

what else can i say when i introduce myself,

that would outweigh the fleeting feeling of authenticity?

what is most accurate? most factual? most true?  


that leaves me to ask: what is in a name?

my answer:


it’s a word chosen and given to us by our parents,

whether we identify ourselves with it or not, is up to us to decide


it’s really not that important or all-encompassing


so when i say i long for a time where my name will just be my name,

i mean,

i just don’t want to feel guilty for changing mine

i mean,

i no longer want to give my name the task (and sole power) of identifying me


giving such a big task to nine letters, sort of sets my name up for failure,


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