To the river

I am still as
if the sky is covered in a blanket of gray,
No blue for me to reflect.
Sometimes it feels suffocating
Looking up to see flat, white, not blue, not
Sky, not sun, but cloud. A sheet,
Heavy and dense.
Blue feels free, like breath, like wind, limitless

Gray makes the sky low. makes the ocean flat. White water without the warmth of blue waves
The gray muffles out sound and blunts sharp tips of skyscrapers

Gray sky gray blanket gray water gray air gray people walk by with gray dogs, gray bikes ride on gray wheels, gray grass pokes out from the gray sidewalk. Gray sky. and gray sun.

I am lost in the gray. In dense fog. I feel blue.

Whisper the ocean I know flows into these rivers
Whisper the rain can also fill me. Can also bring me peace
The gray whispers the water will always hold you. The water will always hold you. The water will always hold you. No matter your shape No matter the weight in your chest, if you can let her, she will hold you. Whether she is gray or blue she will fill you. And so I am full
She will wash you
And so I am clean
and so I am the rain and the sea.
And so I am home.

I am not lost.
I tell myself. I am alive. I am alive. I am alive. Feet touch the ground. Ground touches the sand. Sand finds the sea. And so I know where I am. I tell myself. I know where my mother is. I know she holds me in her heart. My feet touch the ground. Her feet touch the ground. And so I know where I come from.
I tell myself. The person I will become stands. Looks ahead. Feet on the ground. I look before me. And take a step forward. And so I know where I am going.