CHARACTERS

ABIGAIL (F), is a sophomore in college studying biological anthropology. 

DAN (M), is a sophomore in college studying linguistic anthropology and Classics. 

SETTING

A college classroom. Evening. Present day. 

A / indicates where in a line the other character begins talking. 

(Lights up on a classroom. In the center is a long table. Chairs are tucked around its perimeter. On the table, laying belly up, is a man who appears older than forty but younger than seventy. He also appears nude. And dead. Standing around the table above him are DAN and ABIGAIL, both college students. DAN regards the corpse as he zips his fly. ABIGAIL, who just entered and turned on the lights, is mildly confused.)

ABIGAIL

Were you just, like, hanging out with him in the dark?

DAN

Yeah? Do you have a problem with that? 

ABIGAIL

Not particularly. Just clarifying. 

DAN

Well, if we’re clarifying things / then I want—

ABIGAIL

(Pointedly) Yeah, you have a few things to clarify. 

DAN

(Continuing) I want it on record that I didn’t kill him. 

ABIGAIL

I’ll be sure to emphasize that point in the memoirs. 

DAN

You would write a memoir. 

ABIGAIL

And what about it? 

DAN

Nothing! You just…would. 

ABIGAIL

I have a lot to say about the world and myself!

DAN

And I love that for you!

ABIGAIL

(Sincerely reflective) Actually, I think I’m better suited for autoethnography. 

DAN

Jesus christ. 

ABIGAIL

Hey! Actually, I was talking to my Feminist Autoethnography professor the other day, like, I just popped in during her office hours with a query about / my final proposal—

DAN

Not a query!

ABIGAIL

Listen! And we got talking about my writing and she said basically that I’m like probably one of the more competent students in the class / and—

DAN

This we already knew.

ABIGAIL

(Continuing) —she thinks I should submit that last paper I wrote for publication!

DAN

Are you going to?

ABIGAIL

Obviously. (Beat) I mean, I have to figure out what that even entails. Like, who am I supposed to email to make that happen? 

DAN

Fair. 

ABIGAIL

But I’ll pull it together. It was a really good paper. 

DAN

Mmhmm?

ABIGAIL

Yeah. I compiled all these journal notes from when I was working in that lab and did basically postmodern analysis to, like, dissect the function of journaling as qualitative research that can challenge certain truths. 

DAN

That sounds…like you. 

ABIGAIL

It was so cool. It was a lot of me writing about how icked out that lab made me feel. Like, it smelled like formaldehyde constantly, and also the way the scientists talked about the cadavers was so, like I don’t even know, inhuman? 

(DAN, at the mention of cadavers, becomes preoccupied with the corpse on the table, which both DAN and ABIGAIL seem to have forgotten about.)

ABIGAIL

(Continuing) Like, the humanity of samples is so fascinating. I think my / professor

DAN

Can we talk about the corpse?

ABIGAIL

Right. Yes. Sorry. (Beat) So, you didn’t kill him?

DAN

I didn’t kill him. 

ABIGAIL

Of course not. 

DAN

It wasn’t my fault. 

ABIGAIL

Not your fault at all. (Beat) But, um, just to be clear, you were with him when he died? 

DAN

Yeah? But, like, it’s not like that. I mean…It’s like something. Like we weren’t just talking about Moving Language-colon-Words Across Borders, but I was meeting with him to inquire about my grade in the class, just not in, like, the most orthodox way.

ABIGAIL

(Catching on) No for sure. 

DAN

Yeah.

ABIGAIL

And then he died. 

DAN

Right. (Beat) I’m pretty sure his heart stopped. 

ABIGAIL

Because of the / physical—

DAN

Yeah. That. 

ABIGAIL

Did you, like, call someone?

DAN

Obviously fucking not.

(Silence. DAN feels judged.)

DAN

I panicked, okay? And I did give him CPR. (Beat) Well, I tried to give him CPR. 

(More silence. ABIGAIL’s stare could burn holes into the wall behind DAN.)

DAN

Like the compressions. (Singing) Uh-uh-uh-uh staying alive. Right? (Beat) I, uh, I didn’t really want to do mouth to mouth, because. Um. Gross? But, like, I really did try. I guess. And I can’t go to jail. 

(ABIGAIL and DAN are silent. ABIGAIL is focusing on the file folder placed over the corpse’s genitalia.)

 

ABIGAIL

There’s a file folder over his dick. 

DAN

For modesty.

ABIGAIL

Sure. 

DAN

Yeah.

ABIGAIL

(Gesturing between DAN and the corpse) Who came up with this little arrangement?

DAN

(Beat) Me. (Beat) Does it matter? 

ABIGAIL

Yeah. Uh, no. It’s… it’s whatever. (Beat) You’re not going to jail. 

DAN

How would that even go? Please officer, you gotta understand! I was trading sexual favors for a better grade and his heart fucking stopped! 

(They slip back into their usual banter.) 

ABIGAIL

Take him away boys! He’s your man! 

DAN

Please. Executed by firing squad for the crime of good hole. 

ABIGAIL

They’ll display you in the town square for being a whore. So Hester Prynne of you.

DAN

And I would be okay with that! It’s what I deserve. 

(DAN and ABIGAIL consider the corpse. What does he deserve?)

ABIGAIL

(Quietly and reflectively, but not accusatory) Yeah, maybe. 

DAN

(Also quieter) Yeah. Jesus Christ. What the fuck now? 

(ABIGAIL considers something that seems to trouble her. She debates whether or not to share with DAN, before giving in. She pulls out the chair at the head of the table and sits down.)

ABIGAIL

Okay. Hear me out. 

(DAN pushes himself onto the table and sits cross legged at the feet of the corpse.)

DAN

Hearing you out. 

ABIGAIL

Something, um, productive should come from this. Like, academically and intellectually speaking? 

DAN

Ok. Say more.

ABIGAIL

There’s this thing I have to write for my bioanthropology class / and I think—

DAN

Oh my god. 

ABIGAIL

Dan, hear me out. (Choosing her words very carefully) It would be…useful…for me to, um, have the opportunity to be…hands-on. With a specimen. Like, for anatomical reasons. 

DAN

(Uncertain) Okay.

ABIGAIL

I think we should open him up. 

DAN

Okay. (Beat) Can I…? (Covering his mouth to hide a smile) I’ll be so honest. I kind of love that. 

ABIGAIL

Okay, right?! It would be so / like

DAN

Lowkey dark academia? Like, I’m seeing the vision. 

ABIGAIL

Yes!! Okay dark academia! Love her! 

DAN

One question.

ABIGAIL

Mmhmm

DAN

How are we / going to dissect the body?

ABIGAIL

How are we going to dissect him?

DAN

Yeah, that would be my one super small sort of, like, note? 

ABIGAIL

No, fair. (Beat) So, I actually did just come from the lab. I have my whole kit. 

(ABIGAIL disappears below the table for a moment, rummaging through the purse on the ground next to her chair. Eventually, she emerges with a plastic ziploc bag of medical gloves and a black leather case. She slides the bag down the table to where DAN is perched and busies herself with unzipping the case. Inside is a collection of scalpels, medical scissors, and other dissection tools. DAN, meanwhile, has put on a pair of blue medical gloves and is opening and closing his hands, smiling amusedly at the noise the nitrile rubber makes.)

ABIGAIL

(Holding up a scalpel) So far I’ve only gotten to use these on excised organs. 

DAN

You look insane right now. 

ABIGAIL

Do you want to do this or not? My bioanthro paper on the gendering of postmortem gastric content analysis won’t write itself. 

DAN

I just wonder—

ABIGAIL

You’re not backing out, are you?

DAN

No no no…I’m just…um…What if someone walks in while we’re doing it? 

ABIGAIL

(Gesturing with the scalpel at the corpse and DAN) Didn’t seem to be a concern while y’all were doing it. 

 

DAN

That situation was fucking complicated. We can’t all just get good grades. 

ABIGAIL

Jesus. Sorry. (Beat) Building’s technically closed anyway. Don’t know how you got in, but I know the security guy from last semester.

(ABIGAIL says the next lines as she’s setting up her dissection equipment, removing a sterile sheet of paper towel from its packaging and laying tools on top of it in a neat line. Her tone is casual, but there’s a subtle self-satisfaction. Like she’s reminding DAN that she works hard for things.) 

ABIGAIL

I pulled a lot of late nights while I was doing research with my forensics professor. I think he felt bad for me because I was always carrying these huge boxes of files. He always lets me in after hours now.

DAN

(Pointing at the corpse) He gets me in. (Beat) Got me in. 

ABIGAIL

Don’t get sentimental. (Passing DAN a scalpel) He was literally exploiting you. 

DAN

Uh, yeah. Sure. It’s fine. It’s cool. Let’s do this. 

(During that exchange, ABIGAIL had put on a pair of gloves. Now, ABIGAIL and DAN situate themselves around the table so they’re both able to peer over the corpse. ABIGAIL, holding a scalpel in one hand and medical tongs in another, bends over the corpse. DAN follows suit. Suddenly, he pulls back.)

DAN

(Holding up his scalpel) I literally don’t know what this is. 

ABIGAIL

Right. Linguistic anthropology and classics. It’s cool. Just watch for now. 

(ABIGAIL cuts with her scalpel down the torso, making an incision from beneath the ribs to above the navel. She cuts left perpendicular to the top and bottom of the incision, creating a flap of skin she can slowly peel back to reveal the stomach. DAN watches silently, clearly bothered by something.)

ABIGAIL

(Sincerely) Sorry, is this bothering you?

DAN

No, I don’t care. It’s not…I’m not squeamish or anyth—linguistic anthropology and classics? Really?

(ABIGAIL has her gloved hands on the stomach, which she is beginning to carefully extricate from the body. She holds the stomach in place to preserve her work, but looks up.)

ABIGAIL

Oh. Sorry. It’s not like a comment on your discipline or anything. I’m just—like, of course you don’t know how to use a scalpel.

DAN

(Indignant) Of course I don’t know how to use a / scalpel?!

ABIGAIL

It’s not a thing Dan! I was just, like—Do you?

DAN

No, but that’s not / the point

ABIGAIL

What were his last words?

DAN

That’s not what linguistic anthropology is.

ABIGAIL

What were his last words? 

DAN

(Hesitantly) Um. Stop. (Beat) His last word was “stop.” 

(ABIGAIL, who had returned to the stomach, freezes, but does not look up from her work. Her silence prompts DAN to continue.) 

DAN

And like, I know that sounds really really bad, but, like, when I’m having sex with guys that aren’t this old ass professor, saying stop is, like, a thing. Like, (Whining) stoooooop. That’s a thing, sort of. And it doesn’t mean, um, stop. You know? So I guess I didn’t really think he was asking me to stop…when he said stop. (Beat) Oh my God, I fucking killed him. Fuck. I mean, I didn’t fucking mean to, but b- b- (Stammering) FUCK. 

 

(ABIGAIL suddenly stands up. She’s holding the stomach.)

 

ABIGAIL

STOP! 

 

(DAN shuts up.)

 

ABIGAIL

Sorry. Just. Stop. (Beat) Yeah, you fucking killed him. Consequences, I guess? Like, you didn’t have to be fucking him for the grade. 

DAN

I was exploited. You said so. 

ABIGAIL

No, you were. (Beat) I don’t know. It’s tough man.

(ABIGAIL starts gesturing with the stomach. Her tone grows desperate.)

ABIGAIL

To fuck or not to fuck. That’s the question, huh? He shouldn’t have accepted…any of this, but you also probably shouldn’t have asked him in the first place, right? Like, I’m honestly curious. Why did you ask him? I don’t know. Was there some coercion? You don’t deserve that. I mean, you didn’t deserve this whole situation. But you also went to fucking ask the guy if sex would get you an A. How do you just do that? I feel like, I don’t know, like it’s a privilege thing. Right? Like there’s never any expectation of rejection. Or, you just don’t get ashamed? I don’t know. I’m not saying this is your fault. Or, maybe I am. Honestly, I just feel like it’s unfair. I don’t know. It’s a gut feeling. 

(ABIGAIL remembers the gut in her hand. She lowers it slowly.)

DAN

Unfair? Are you fucking for real? What’s unfair is feeling like I owe my professor his daily quota of sex favors so I can stay afloat. I guess I started it, sure, but then I couldn’t pull out—don’t fucking laugh at that. I’m fucking trapped. 

(ABIGAIL and DAN both look down at the dissected corpse.)

 

DAN

I was trapped.

ABIGAIL

That’s such bullshit. That’s like walking into the ocean then complaining about being fucking wet. That’s like if you didn’t start a paper until the day it was due, then spent that day texting me about how unfair your professor was being. Oh, wait? 

(That struck a nerve.)

DAN

Fuck off. 

ABIGAIL

Aww. Fuck off. So adorable. So fucking eloquent Dan. 

DAN

Listen, you cunt. I’m sorry I have a fucking life outside of this building. Maybe there are things more important than school and research and the lab and (high pitched mocking girl voice) oh em gee you guys my professor just loved my paper and she thinks I’m good enough to be published and maybe one day I’ll even write my own book / and

(ABIGAIL slaps DAN across the face. Hard. He shuts up.)

DAN

What the fuck?

ABIGAIL

Shut up. 

DAN

Whatever. You know I’m right. (Beat) You’re the one who opened him up. This is really more your problem than mine now. You’re just mad I found a way to get the same grades as you while doing half the work.

(DAN places a gentle hand atop the file folder.)

DAN

I was doing most of the work. 

(ABIGAIL is fuming and might be holding back tears. She is silent for a moment, collecting herself. What she suggests next is an attempt to cut some of the hostilities between her and DAN.)

ABIGAIL

Do you want to see what his last meal was?  

DAN

Sure. 

(ABIGAIL places the stomach on the table. She gently takes DAN’s hand and places her scalpel in it. She guides his hand to the stomach. Together, they cut into the organ. ABIGAIL peels it open with her tongs.) 

DAN

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

ABIGAIL

Looks like chicken. Some rice. 

DAN 

OH MY GOD JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!

ABIGAIL

A cruciferous vegetable…That’s what I had for dinner. The dining halls were serving it. 

(DAN is completely grossed out and frozen. ABIGAIL has stepped back from the body and is pondering something in the corner. She seems distressed.)

DAN

Oh my god. Oh my god. Fucking never tenderly cut open a stomach with me ever fucking again. Oh my GOD. 

ABIGAIL

He ate his last meal in the dining hall. 

DAN

(Still trying to get over what he just saw) So? 

ABIGAIL

So…I don’t know! I ate my last meal in the dining hall. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s fucking me up. 

DAN

I never eat in the dining hall. Yuck. Euugh. Maybe that’s what killed him. The cruciferous vegetable from the dining hall. 

(ABIGAIL is bothered by this.)

ABIGAIL

What the fuck are we doing?

DAN

Gastric content analysis for your whacked out fucking girl paper. 

ABIGAIL

Okay, well it’s not a girl / paper

DAN

I’m fucking kidding. 

ABIGAIL

Yeah.

DAN

But this was your idea. 

ABIGAIL

Yeah.

DAN

(Mocking) Yeah? 

ABIGAIL

Okay well tell me what the fuck I’m supposed to say. Linguistic fucking anthroplogy. Jesus, what the fuck? I’m just, like…shit, man. We had the same fucking meal two fucking hours ago. It’s fucked. 

(Long silence.)

DAN

(Gesturing at the corpse) He was actually talking about the currency of curse words in class today. Like, how they can / evoke

ABIGAIL

I DON’T CARE! (Beat) Sorry. 

(More silence.)

ABIGAIL

What gives us the right?

DAN

The right to cut the stomach out of our dead professor’s body?

ABIGAIL

Yeah. Honestly. (Beat) The study of fucking man. 

(ABIGAIL prods at the stomach with her scalpel. It jiggles. DAN frowns.)

ABIGAIL

This could be my stomach. If you cut it out and opened it up, like, same stuff inside. 

(ABIGAIL leans over the corpse once more and extends her original vertical incision down further. She peels back the skin to expose the intestines.)

DAN

Should we maybe not—

ABIGAIL

I just want to see something. 

(ABIGAIL begins to pull out the small intestine. She lays a segment of it on the table and slices it open. Apparently having found what she was looking for, ABIGAIL straightens up.)

ABIGAIL

He had barely begun digesting. I wonder…

DAN

(Growing concerned) Um, I think we should wrap this up. What, uh, what are we gonna do with the body? 

(ABIGAIL is despondent.)

DAN

Abigail?

(Suddenly, ABIGAIL pulls her own shirt up and slices with her scalpel into her own torso where her small intestine would be. Blood sprays out of the incision and splatters the wall. DAN lunges for her.)

DAN

WHAT THE FUCK? Oh my God, Abigail. What the fuck?

(ABIGAIL, entranced, continues to cut into herself while fending off DAN’s attempts to wrestle the scalpel out of her hand.)

ABIGAIL

STOP IT, DAN! STOP! STOP! I want to see where his food would be. If you hadn’t fucking killed him. Let me see this!

(DAN shoves ABIGAIL onto the ground and finally gets the scalpel from her. He throws it across the room. DAN presses his hand on the incision on ABIGAIL’s torso in an attempt to stop the bleeding. With his other hand he frantically grasps for ABIGAIL’s purse. When he finds it, he tips it over and searches its contents for something to cover the wound.)

DAN

What the fuck is wrong with you?

ABIGAIL

(Panting) It was…I wanted to do…a…uh… comparative…analysis. 

DAN

(Still searching for something to dress the wound) That’s fucking stupid. 

ABIGAIL

There’s… there should be… gauze… tape… I have a first… aid kit. 

(DAN finally finds the first aid kit. It’s a black case, similar to the one that held ABIGAIL’s dissection tools. DAN, one hand still pressed to ABIGAIL’s torso, unzips the case with his teeth. First aid supplies fall out onto his lap. Bandaids, gauze, medical tape, iodine pads, etc. He searches through the contents on the ground for the gauze. As he finds it, ABIGAIL props herself up. DAN grabs one of ABIGAIL’s hands and replaces his own on her torso with it. DAN wraps around her torso over the incision with gauze and secures the dressing with medical tape. Maybe he applies some ointment, directed by ABIGAIL, first. When he’s done he stands up and paces to the corner, leaving ABIGAIL on the ground to inspect the dressing.) 

DAN

Now what now what now what now fucking what?

ABIGAIL

Now we leave. 

DAN

And the body?

ABIGAIL

I don’t know. We fucking leave it?

DAN

We’ll get arrested.

ABIGAIL

He died of natural causes.

DAN

His corpse is fucking desecrated.

ABIGAIL

They’ll go for the pre-med kids first. Surgical knowledge or whatever. Someone else will go down for this.

DAN

(Panicking) Uh, yeah. Yeah. Sure. Okay. 

(Throughout this dialogue, ABIGAIL has remained seated but reached up onto the table, pulled the intestines down, and stuffed them into her purse. DAN, whose back has been turned, doesn’t notice. She now finishes picking up her belongings.) 

ABIGAIL

Dan, someone else will go down for this. It won’t be our problem. (Beat) Help me up. 

(DAN turns around and walks around the table to help her stand up. He still doesn’t notice the intestines. His focus is elsewhere.) 

ABIGAIL

Come on. Let’s get the fuck out of here. I have to write my nerdy girl paper. 

(DAN snorts. Some levity has returned to the exchange.)

DAN

Yeah. Jesus. What the fuck is your prompt even?

ABIGAIL

Oh god. Fuck if I know. I just say shit.

(DAN and ABIGAIL can be heard speaking as they leave the classroom and walk through the house to exit through a door behind the audience.)

DAN

Want to get a drink?

ABIGAIL

My fake got taken last weekend at Webster.

DAN

Just pull your shirt down a bit. You’ll be fine. 

ABIGAIL

We have blood on our hands.

DAN

We can wash them.

ABIGAIL

Yeah, okay, sure. 

(As they’re walking through the house, the intestines that ABIGAIL had stuffed in her purse begin to unravel from the body like an umbilical cord. Clearly, she hadn’t removed them effectively. A trail of intestine extends from where ABIGAIL and DAN exit, through the house, and onto the stage. It remains after they are gone. Neither of them turn off the lights. Lights up on the house to indicate the end of the play. The stage lights never go down.)

END.