I thought I knew a lot about myself already. But every day I learn more of what I don’t know.
The Orchid and The Botanist
EPIGRAPH:
Tumblr user SLIMEGARGOYLE, March 20, 2019:
it’s like are you so yourself it alienates you from others to a traumatizing degree or are you managing normalcy at the cost of crushing self-denial
#except like nicer because it’s a sitcom
SCENE 1
[MUSIC: Ella Fitzgerald’s “Sleigh Ride.”]
It’s early December 2016. Boston, MA.
A young woman, O–put-together, but with a slight avant-garde flair–is getting ready for a Christmas party. She gets out of the shower and checks her phone, and we see the following text notifications:
Danny <3
I had a long conversation with my mom today
Danny <3
I think we should talk soon. We can go to the friendly toast
Danny <3
I still want to be with you. Sickness and health
She groans.
Meanwhile, in the Boston Public Library, an almost thirty-year-old person B with a cozy, academic style, finishes working for the day. They gather their laptop and papers in a leather messenger bag.
Their phone buzzes. It’s a notification from the app Bumble—not a match, but an annoying ad indicating lack of use.
MUSIC continues, with the addition of the dull roar of dignified socializing. The Christmas party is an event for BU grad students and professors. B is a PhD candidate studying biology. O is getting her master’s in social work. Introverts are made bold with a responsible amount of alcohol. B is handsome, O is beautiful.
B is looking at an ice sculpture of the university mascot, which is (obviously) a Boston Terrier. O wanders over, drink in hand.
O
That dog is so well-behaved.
B
Huh? The—it isn’t—
O
I know.
B
Oh.
B laughs, a little embarrassed. O smiles.
O
I like your pin.
B has on a lapel pin that says “Here’s how Bernie can still win: We see it as a projection with a ‘ding!’”
B
Thank you…I can’t really tell if it’s poor taste, here.
O
I’m personally a huge fan of delusion.
B
Yeah, events like this…you’ll find a lot of that.
O
Are you a student?
B
Ecology, behavior and evolutions…I’m working on a dissertation, on, um, on plants. I like plants.
O
On plants! There’s so many plants.
B
Hah, well, I –Orchidaceae. Orchids. Well, I’m researching Habenaria rhodocheila. A different orchid.
O
Orchids are tricky!
B
(Overly defensive) Not really.
O
Oh!
B
Not if you understand their nutritional needs, I mean. They’re particular, but it’s not a–a moral failing. You can’t take something from the jungle and give it less than 40 percent humidity and then get mad at it for wilting. You know with water retention, specifically, it’s just a matter of recognizing reticulate or parallel venation, which—
There is a beckoning for everyone to be seated. O is a little bit startled, but smiles before hurrying away.
An hour or so later. O has drank substantially more. They’ve wandered into a quiet hallway, functionally alone.
O
I’m really easy, it’s almost sad. They just need to call me beautiful and I immediately swoon and I’m theirs forever.
B
(A divine, uncharacteristic boost of confidence:)
Well—you’re very beautiful.
O is shocked.
B
(Backtracking) I mean it’s just that–I mean you know that. You’re. I mean you’re so pretty, you must know that.
O stares, recalibrating something.
B
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t’ve—
O
Thank you. That’s very kind of you to say.
B
It’s…just an accurate observation.
O
Quite subjective, really.
B
No, it isn’t.
A very long pause.
O
Um. Are we about to kiss right now?
Deer in headlights, until B leans in slow enough that O has time to back away. She doesn’t. B kisses her gently. They pull back, stare, then surge in again and maul each other.
Now outside, B and O giggle as they stumble through the cobbled streets of Beacon Hill back to B’s apartment.
O
Oooooaaaaw, you have a cat!!
B
This is Audrey 3, I don’t know if you’ve seen Little Shop of Horrors—
O
Cause you’re a mean, green mother from outer space and you’re bad! And you only eat PEOPLE!
B
You love that movie.
O
I LOVE that movie.
Kiss, kiss, kiss.
BLACKOUT:
O
Yessssssyou (gasp) n-n-Nothing like Danny.
B
What?
O
W-what?
B
What did you just say?
O
Nothing I just meant–
B
You just said Danny—
O
No, n-n-no I don’t mean no I don’t wish that I was with him I’m not pretending you were him, I swear, I was sayingg—
B
Hey, hey it’s okay.
O
You can keep going don’t worry—
B
No, hey, lets just chill for a second, I think you’re—
O
I’m fineee!
B
I think we should just go to sleep, okay? I’ll get you some water.
O
Okay.
Pause.
O
Okay. I’m really sorry.
B
What?
O
(Getting teary) I said I’m really sorry, that you. That I’m. I’m sorry.
B
Hey, shh—what? You don’t have anything to be sorry for.
O
But you wanted to—you were expecting to and now you won’t…
B
(Truly confused) Well that’s alright! I mean, it’s not like—I mean I would never—
O
You’re not mad at me?
B
(Heart cracking in two) Why would I be mad at you, honey?
Two seconds of silence before it all comes crashing down at once. B instinctively surges to cradle O, and holds her to their chest before O even knows she’s wailing.
O
This just all sucks so MUCH and I’m allowed to feel that it’s bad, I’m ALLOWED to feel that it’s bad because it IS bad.
B
Mhm, I hear you…
O
And the worst part is—
B
Uhuh…
O
That I was SURPRISED by the b-basic d-decency—
B
Yeah…
O
Like, I feel so GRATEFUL but I SHOULDN’T, I shouldn’t feel like you’re an a-angel, but I dooo, and I s-shouldn’t…
B
It’s okay, shhh, you’re okay… you’re okay…
They fall asleep gently.
SCENE 2
A fresh new day! B is making breakfast in the kitchen. O is heard before she’s seen. She found B’s “The Mountain Goats” t-shirt and has wiped away the black tear tracks.
O
This magnetic eyeliner is so cool, I slept in these lashes by accident and they didn’t even lift in the inside corner!
B
Good morning! Magnetic? Do you have magnets on your eyes right now!?
O
Teeny tiny ones, yeah.
B
Wh—how does that work?
O
I don’t know, but you are a very good cook!
B
Oh, thank you. It’s an Anthony Bourdain recipe.
O
Cool! He fucks!
B
I’m really glad you aren’t vegan, I thought it might be a possibility.
O
People used to tell me that I looked like a vegetarian, actually.
B
(Laughing) That’s homophobic.
O
It—what?
B
I’m joking, I mean–
O
WAIT…
B
I mean maybe–
O
Stop it… that’s SO funny!
Pause.
O / B
So are we— / So last night—
B
Yeah!
O
Weeeee don’t have to talk about my history of probably being coerced into sex…
B
Sure!
O
Which, I totally did not even realize that was…what that was. I have therapy on Mondays, so, y’know, I’ll…be okay.
B
Right, you mentioned you were—
O
Crazy?
B
—supported by a team…of mental health professionals.
O
It’s just two. I don’t know if that constitutes a team. Though, I guess, maybe—
(Inhabiting her best “guy who does awful pickup lines” persona)
—I think two could make a pretty good team.
SCENE 3
The next weekend. A cold, sunny walk through the Boston Public Garden.
B
I would say I’m—well, I’m not a man. God—no, I’m—I’m definitively not. A man. But I’m really not a woman, either, at least not—in the traditional sense, of the word. Or any sense, I suppose. I just…I like pumpkin bread, and sweaters, and good bourbon, and…frogs.
O
What kind of frogs?
B
Oh man, well, ah, the Australian green tree frog is great. It’s also called White’s Tree Frog, they secrete stuff that can treat herpes, which is—which I DON’T have, hah, uh, not that there’s—I mean, you’d have told me if you had—I mean, I would hope you—it’s pretty manageable anyway, with modern antivirals—
O
I don’t have herpes.
B
Great! Uh…the American Bullfrog, pretty classic, I mean, those guys are awesome, they can grow up to—okay, don’t—
O is grinning.
We don’t have time to do this right now.
B checks their pulse on their neck.
(Playful) No one tells you that the most inconvenient part of being non-binary is getting your doctorate.
O
What?
B
For the title.
O
Ah… what about, um, Mx.? Mix? Em-Ex?
B
Eeeehhhh.
O
I see.
B
I need everyone to stop adding ‘X’s to stuff like it makes it more inclusive! Spelling “folx” with an ‘X’ is a parody of itself.
O
Doctor Bailey!
B
There are very kind activists doing very important work who are also very…dim.
O
I like seeing you try to be mean.
B
I don’t like to be. But I can be…impatient. When people, on Twitter, draw conclusions based on statistically insignificant data. Which is why I’m not on Twitter.
O
I am also not on Twitter. I have the same name as my grandma and I’m always worried about ruining it.
B
Would your tweets ruin your grandmother’s good name?
O
Maybe.
Beat.
O
You should know that I’m married.
B
Excuse me?
O
I mean, I’m separated. I’ve been separated. For–a long time. But for health insurance reasons he’s still technically my husband.
B
Your… okay.
O
It ended because—well it ended for a lot of reasons but there was one…pretty major one.
B
Your struggle with same-sex attraction?
O
I was already out as bi, but I was still…deep in the trenches…of compulsory heterosexuality.
B
Can I make the educated guess that your ex’s name is Danny?
O
Yes. He…is complicated. And I think he’s still in denial.
B
Of?
O
Me lying to him for six and a half years. Which, I mean, I would be fucked up by that too. But I don’t think I was lying. Well, not until the very end.
B
I’m sure it’s…well I’m sure it’s very nuanced.
O
I lasted eighteen months of matrimony before I tried to kill myself.
B
Oh.
O
It’s okay.
B
Sure! Wait, six and a half…how old are you?
O
Twenty-six.
B
Jesus Christ
O
Right? He proposed when we graduated college. Silly.
B
Were you—do you have a—
O
I wasn’t pregnant, it just … felt like the right thing to do. He got a job in finance–
B
Oh, good.
O
—I know, and it’s the kind of job where you kind of can’t function unless you’ve got someone at home doing your laundry and making your doctor’s appointments for you. I didn’t have to pack his lunch, though, he just bought it there.
B
Were you, like, a Stepford wife?
O
I wanted to be. I liked meeting a quantifiable measure of success. As a person. But no, I had a job too. But he wanted me to quit once we had a baby.
B
Would you have wanted that too?
O
I thought I did, before I realized how lonely it would have been. No one has kids in their twenties here. Gotta move to Utah or something.
B
I think when you start feeling like your lifestyle would be more suited for Utah, that’s when you…
O
That’s when you try to overdose on Klonopin, which doesn’t work, by the way…
B
I was going to say “reevaluate.”
O
I tried to. But I thought that I couldn’t exist without him. And I felt like I’d be letting everyone down. And I thought that he’d feel like he did something wrong. And I just saw my whole future ahead of me, like, all the way till I was ninety. And I was just like… other girls don’t feel this way. This emptiness.
B
That sounds…suffocating.
O
Yeah. I mean, he called himself a feminist. But there was what he accepted as a concept and there was what he wanted in a wife. And that was rigid. And I…signed up for that.
B
I feel like you’re…victim-blaming yourself.
O
Maybe a little. But it’s not him. He’s just a guy. It’s all the rest of it.
B
I guess so.
O
I’m very motivated by aesthetics. I like Christmas cards. And sweaters.
B
You were a Christmas card family?
O
Oh, I was so excited to design my own. My family treats it like a competitive sport. We love to judge them. It sounds awful but it’s just… all part of the game.
B
So, you grew up, like, rich rich.
O
I hope you don’t think I’m evil. I am a champagne socialist. I’m haute bohème.
B
When the revolution comes I’ll protect you from the guillotines.
O
My hero.
SCENE 4
BLACKOUT:
Kiss—
B
Oh, holy shit.
O
I do aerial silks.
B
(A little hysterical)
What the fuck does that mean—
Kiss—
B
You don’t have to–
O
I want to.
B
Right, but–the nerve endings in my nipples were severed.
O
Oh. Well…
B
WAIT—wait, wait a second–
O
Oh my God, I’m so sorry—
B
It’s alright, just—just. Okay.
O
I shouldn’t have done that, I’m so sorry, I should have asked, I’m used to—not to be—it’s just that guys, straight guys, they don’t—it’s like hot when you don’t—
B
It’s okay. I should have said something earlier.
O
No, it isn’t on you! I can’t believe I’m the one who—
B
I forgive you. Please don’t worry.
B picks up O’s hand to press a kiss to their inner wrist.
B
You just don’t…have to do that. Any of that.
O
Wh–I know I don’t have to do that—
B
I don’t want you to do that.
O
…oh.
B
Like—
O
Like at all?
B
May I talk, please?
O nods.
B
I guess you could say that I try to ignore a lot. Which isn’t to say that I wish I were a Ken doll. More of a Lego person, you know, snaps on and off. Though that would be odd, if there was some kind of anatomical Lego set for sale.
O
Is surgery—I feel like it’s appropriate to ask in this context—something you want?
B
Well, I’ve thought about it. But phalloplasty’s pretty, um, intense.
O
Isn’t it like, your arm?
B
Or thigh. There’s pros and cons, it has to do with proper blood supply. I’m no med student, but I believe it requires two sources of blood, usually the cutaneous branches of the inferior epigastric vessel and the superficial epigastric vessel…but, um, ultimately it’s an insane amount of pain and recovery and money for something I’m kind of lukewarm about.
O
You’d have to want that pretty bad, for it to be worth it. And it can’t even get hard.
B
Actually, penile implants provide an erection by serving as a replacement for the corpora cavernosum inside the penis that normally fills with blood. There’s a few different kinds, but inflatable implants have two cylinders in the shaft of the phallus, a reservoir that holds salt water, and a hydraulic pump to move the salt water from the reservoir to the cylinders, to get, um, bricked up. You squeeze the balls.
O
You squeeze the balls?!
B
I have colleagues, well, most are online, who are very happy with this apparatus. And I wish them the best!
O
But, um, you were saying before—
B
Right, ah…I don’t know if it’s a permanent or temporary boundary. But it means a lot when—I guess it’s easiest to say that there’s a sense of gratification when that boundary is respected. I can’t stress enough that you don’t have to feel guilty, at all, that it’s one-sided. Because I don’t see it as one-sided.
O
What’s in it for you?
B
I get off on getting someone else off, is that a crime?
O
How can you be so altruistic?
B
It’s not altruism, that’s the thing. Don’t tell me your ex never went down on you.
O
Oral’s never done much for me, honestly. I don’t know, I feel like foreplay with him was sort of…hollow, like he was just pushing the right buttons for me to get wet enough to stick it in.
B
And then that was like, like…good?
O
Penetration? Fuck no. I hate it. It started out as like, fun, exciting, like, ooh, having sex is so mature and means I’m cool. Then the novelty wore off after about six months. But he got really frustrated if we ever went without for more than a week. So that was, like, why I had to give in. I think Catholic school really fucked him up.
B
Why you had to give in…
O
I mean—I’m processing. I oscillate between full-blown victim and over-empathy. I distract myself from my own emotions by obsessively rationalizing the hurtful actions of others.
B
You have a good therapist.
O
No, I read that on Pinterest.
SCENE 5
The 2017 Boston Women’s March after Trump’s inauguration. Signs that say “PUSSY GRABS BACK” and “YOU CAN’T ELECTROCUTE THE GAY OUT OF ME” and “I CAN’T BELIEVE WE STILL HAVE TO PROTEST THIS FUCKING SHIT.” O wears a pink knit pussy hat. After meeting up, they weave through the crowds.
B
Really, you too?
O
My grandma made it, isn’t that so funny?
B
It’s excellent craftsmanship.
O
Do you have a sign?
B
(Gesturing offstage)
I don’t, the DSA seemed to have that covered.
O
Are those your friends?
B
Those are—people I know.
O
(Analytically) How many of them have you slept with?
B
Just oh—well, that’s a really, uh, unspecific way of categorizing—
O
So, all of them?
B
I’d be insane to get involved with that many anarchists.
O
Do they molotov cocktail your window when you ghost them?
B
No, they call you evil and colonialist because you didn’t want them to perform a seance in your bedroom.
O
I see.
B
Burning sage makes me sneeze!
O
Does one burn sage in a seance?
B
I mean, does one and should one are very different questions.
O
One of my classmates is here but I think she’s avoiding me. I weirded her out.
B
What did you do?
O
Well, I was trying to explain—we were talking about child abuse cases, teaching children about boundaries, that sort of thing. And I kind of launched into this—ok, I’ll just do this:
(A presentation pointer is thrown at her from offstage.)
(CLICK) So, some people have a fetish for being tickled. This is a neutral statement, okay. Some people’s bodies perceive certain stimuli in a sexual way that is uncommon, (CLICK) and there’s this David Farrier documentary—
B
I know what—I know what a fetish is.
O
Okay. (CLICK) We tickle children all the time. We usually don’t ask them if it’s okay. Sometimes they stay “stop” and we keep going, because they’re laughing, and it’s cute. It’s really normalized to tickle a child, or a person, without their consent, because it’s generally seen as a chaste activity.
B
(Knowing) But some people—
O
(CLICK) But some people perceive it sexually. And some of those people are children, who don’t know what sex, or what sexual desire is, who are just figuring out sensory experiences in general. And it’s like… how do you even begin… to advocate for that?
(She drops the presentation.)
There are children who are being incestuously sexually abused, regularly, and the parents have no idea! And the kid has no idea. And if the kid says “stop it,” they’re like, I don’t know, a wimp, they’re too sensitive. Ruining the party for someone else. One time I got shoved in the pool by surprise, as a kid, and I had a whole meltdown about it because it was startling, and scary, and I didn’t like the feeling of having wet clothes on—and somehow I was the one who got in trouble. Because I needed to learn to roll with the punches. MAYBE JUST DON’T FUCKING PUNCH ME! Sorry.
B
S’okay. I suppose—the idea is that, if you get punched enough in a safe environment, you won’t flinch when you’re punched by a bully. But only some of us are born cacti, or golden pothos. Some of us are gardenias, or—
O
Orchids.
B
We don’t ask plants to be more than what they’re capable of. We study them, attend to their specific needs, and take pride when they flourish as they’re meant to. As their glorious, unique selves.
(They nod “let’s get out of here” and move to a coffee shop, taking off their coats and hats.)
O
My mentor works with disabled teenagers. She’s come up with a lot of really creative solutions to work with certain behaviors, not against them.
B
That’s—sorry, I have to—
B checks their pulse.
One second––
They check again, this time on their wrist, then they check their phone.
O / B
Are you okay? / Yeah I. Sorry I have a, um.
B
I’m not. I. Sometimes I think I’m going to die. I’m not. I have no reason to think I’m going to die. But I have to, um. Sorry I thought my heart was beating too fast but it’s within the correct range. I’m fine.
O looks at them.
Sometimes I feel. Well, I feel like I’m a bit of a lost cause. I worry often that I’ll become disabled. Please don’t tell anyone that, I don’t want anyone to think I hold prejudice against those who are…are we back to saying disabled? I thought we’d moved on to “differently abled,” and then—well, I worry. That I won’t be capable of the things that make me “me.” And so I think—how could I do this lab without the use of my arms? It becomes a kind of, thought exercise. How would I cook if I’d been blinded? What tools would I need? I really um, can’t let myself think about anything cognitive. So I avoid anything potentially concussive, mostly.
O
Would you say that that’s your biggest fear? Brain damage?
B
Oh, not even close. I would say um, broad scale, it’s the feeling of knowing a solution to a crisis and global figures in charge willfully ignoring it. But on a more tangible level I do not fuck with orca whales.
O
THEY’RE SCARY!
B
THEY’RE SO SCARY, OH MY GOD!!
O & B
(To audience) This was written before they started methodically attacking boats in the Strait of Gibraltar.
O
Right now, I would say my biggest fear is public humiliation resulting in exile…slash having an immoral past I can never outrun that gets dug up just as I think I’ve started over.
B
Do you…have a bigger secret than being married?
O
Oh, no. I’m just crazy.
B takes O’s hand.
B
That’s a pretty ring.
O
Thanks. Opal is my birthstone.
B
In my world, OPALS means “Ogren Plant Allergy Scale.”
O
Who’s Ogren?
B
He studies plant allergies. He wrote a lot about something called botanical sexism.
O
Are girls more allergic to stuff than boys?
B
What? No. Botanical sexism in urban planning.
O
Do you think trees flirt with each other?
B
I mean–in their own way. It’s more about survival than desire. Unless, like—I mean, you could do a lot of acid and think about that, probably.
O
Survival, desire…sometimes, they intertwine, don’t they? Just like the tendrils of a climbing vine, seeking connection, and purpose. I say humans are no different. Our desires entwined in the dance of attraction, yearning to bloom and propagate our own ideas and passions.
B
Are you messing with me?
O
Mayhaps we are mere vessels for genetic survival.
B
Our vessels (gestures to body) made it pretty hard to pass on our genes.
O
We could try.
She tries.
B
I wish you wouldn’t do that.
O
I mean, okay—are you asexual?
B
No, I—I mean whatever, no one seems to have a strong grasp of what that even means, so—
O
Some people do.
B
Well don’t act like you know more about it than I do, I was trying to simplify my perspective for your benefit. I know and love a lot of real asexual freaks.
O
Don’t call them that.
B
Of course I—You are a freak, you must know that—
O
How am I the freak, how am I the freak for wanting you to, for us to have a normal—
B
We aren’t normal.
O
Yes, we are, that’s the whole point.
B
Then maybe you should go back to your normal husband.
O
Don’t do that, I will play every fucking ableism card—
B
Oh, because I’m the picture of mental wellness—
O
You’re four years older and have had four more years to figure out how health insurance works.
B
Well it doesn’t work!
O
I just wish you would be more open to trying—
B
You can’t fix me.
O
I didn’t say you were broken!
B
Well, you look at me as though I am.
O
It just seems unnatural.
B
Everything about this is unnatural. Can’t you see that?
O
What, are you some kind of evangelical now?
B
You are not as detached from your upbringing as you think you are.
O
You’re being mean.
B
I have built myself, my life, with great perseverance and humility and pain. I am a creation that cannot live in a terra cotta planter. My roots will suffocate and malform. I will not let you bring your—matrimonial sensibilities into my home.
O
Well, I think what we have is natural. And holy.
B
I think we are abnormal and strange.
O
Do you have some kind of inner—do you think we are sinners?
B
I think we are allowed to be free.
O
If I can’t serve you, I feel—gluttonous. I feel like I’m not…earning my keep.
I read that book, I actually read it, I didn’t just read the Wikipedia summary.
B
Congratulations.
O
And it didn’t really clear anything up because it’s not like you were attacked by an entire football team—
B
That cannot possibly be the only thing you took away from Stone Butch Blues.
O
Please just let me love you the only way that I know how!
B
What happened to “perceived need” versus “expressed need”?!
O
Well, you’re not expressing anything!
B
You should listen harder.
A beat.
Do you want to because you want to, or because you feel guilty?
O
Nothing is expected of me and it feels impossible.
B
I expect, and receive, many valuable things from you. But I do not wish to be melted.
O
But, wait, I thought this was going to be a story where we both find true sexual fulfillment for once? We solve each other’s needs in an act of poetic parallel?
B
Maybe it could be that, if we had more than twenty minutes to tell it. But maybe right now, being a pillow princess could let you heal.
O
You mean I could just…not?
B
You could just not! I don’t know, I’m not in charge.
O
I thought I knew a lot about myself already. But every day I learn more of what I don’t know.
B
I’d be happy to conduct some research. If you wanted.
O
I’d be down to be a specimen.
B
Cool.
Lights fade out as they walk offstage.
B
I’ll figure out your binomial nomenclature. Homo puella, maybe. Actually—shoot, I think that implies virginity.
O
My Latin name is gay virgin?!
B
I mean, homo means “same,”, not literally—but, yes, that was my wordplay.
<3 End <3
